It’s been awhile since I have written but since then there have been so many things that I have wanted to talk about but as I sit here and rewatch Game of Thrones to get ready for the new season all I can seriously say that is bothering me enough right now is the fact […]
One cold day, about twenty-eight years ago, my mother entered a coffee shop in Italy and ordered a hot chocolate. It was the first time she ordered one in Italy, since she had just moved there with little Casper, my brother. What she got surprised her; the cup was hot and steaming, but this was not hot chocolate, she thought. The consistency of whatever they had just served her was thick and almost not liquid anymore; it looked creamy and thick at the point she thought it was some sort of pudding.
Soon enough she realized that was just how the Italian hot chocolate is, and even sooner, just after taking the first sip, she had realized it was delicious.
Years went by and that same hot chocolate became a staple in our pantry during the cold winters. Basically it was what got us through the winter. One cup and…
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I love the South Philly Tap Room (SPTR) and am so happy to have come across this article! Try making grilled cheese, breaking it up and putting it in the soup!! Seriously, the best way to eat it! Their vegetarian pizza and ricotta donuts are simply divine! If your in the neighborhood you should definitely check it out!!
Every once in a while, I wonder if I miss living in a city. Then I go visit a city and realize I don’t miss it at all. There was a time when I was living in Philadelphia, and I thought I would live there forever because I loved it so much. Then life happened. I knew there was more out there, and felt suffocated in the city. So I ran off and joined the Navy, and met DB, and we got married, and had the Bear, and now we in live in a small, remote place, and it’s great. Except for one thing. I miss the food. Philadelphia is an amazing food town, and I miss having access to all its deliciousness. In fact, the food is probably the only thing I really miss. (Ok, seriously, friends, I miss yous too, but you’re people, not things, and we always…
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Its amazing the effect that a picture can have on you!
I remember being a little girl and wanting to write a book about my life. I never asked myself the question, “why would anyone care what I had to say”? but I was in so much emotional pain that I just wanted to share it with someone …anyone that could understand me!! I had forgotten all of those feelings just bottled them up and locked them into my mental closet for all of these years. That was until last night when my youngest sister posted a picture of my baby brother on Facebook. Seeing that picture of him almost knocked the wind out of me…it brought back all of the pain and devastation that I felt at the age of 5 and carried with me into my teenage years and then after attempts at therapy and grief counseling I just stored those feelings away. I had mentioned in one of my previous posts that I lost some of my siblings at a young age…two to be exact and within one year of each other!
I remember how I felt back then confused by my parents living separately. But I had this super awesome big sister that made me feel so loved and secure at my Moms house and this adorable baby brother at my Dads. I was still confused by my situation but comfortable with my family. Until it happened…my big sister got really sick and the ambulance took her away. The next time that I saw her was in her coffin where I touched her face and rubbed her lipstick off of her lip…god I was scared!
I couldn’t figure out where she was and why she left. I was so confused and alone. I remember that I was desperate to see her but noone knew how I felt or took the time to try to understand my pain.
He was about three years old and was born with a renal disease and couldn’t walk. He was the happiest, most sweetest little boy. I loved being with him. And then one morning I remember waking up and coming down the stairs and seeing my mother on the phone and hearing my sister saying, “Oh my god her brother died”? And I knew right away!! I was young and I remember the pain and feeling so alone! Noone asked me how I was doing or if I wanted to talk. You dont realize what a child is experiencing internally during devastating situations but they feel it…like me…I felt a sense of confusion, the pain of loss, loneliness, separation from two people I loved, and the resentment towards my stepmother for taking my Dad from me.
Out of all of my pain and loss which continued through the years…I still ask God, “why me?” “why them?” It makes me question religion and the truth about god and life in general!
One day I will find peace…I hope! But for now the flood gates have reopened and my closeted emotions are bursting at full force!!!
I am at a point on my life where I do NOT want to be questioned about my decision-making nor do I want to be made to feel like I have to answer to anyone…regardless of who it is! I have learned from my parents mistakes and hope and pray that I don’t do to my children what they have to me! Don’t get me wrong I didn’t have the worst childhood but it was far from perfect and not something that I want to relive!
My parents each had two daughters from previous marriages before I was born and were together for quite a few years before my mother became pregnant with me. Shortly afterwards…they split and the only reason that I know of is because my mom was too easy-going with my Dad and my dad couldn’t keep it in his pants! Am I still angry? Of course! I went through life feeling angry and it took me years to get here but I can’t change what could’ve been. What could have been? Who knows? But I do know what happened…My mom had three girls one passed away at 12, one had/has a drug addiction and then there is me…I have it more together and am still working on myself! She hooked up with my Step Father who was hard-working and generous but also scarred from his childhood and was a verbally abusive alcoholic in our early years together. Even still..in the later years he became the closest thing that I had to a Father and his death devastated my world! What I learned from my Mom…..never live your life dependent on someone else and don’t be afraid to face life because of your scars! My Dad..a nice guy who went on to marry his girlfriend and have a few more kids! I love my family and am happy to have them though I wish that my Dad fought for our relationship and didn’t just bow his head and stay in the background! Again, a mistake that I nor any parent should ever make with their kids!!
So that being said…why do these people continue to feel like I must answer to them and/ or that they have all of the answers?! Life experience or is it because they are older and wiser? Who really knows but I and probably some of you have to deal with the same type of mindset and either tell them where to go or just patronize them…sometimes I do one and sometimes the other depending on my mood!
My point with all of this rambling on…learn from it and don’t continue the behaviors to make your adult kids feel like their blood is about to curdle when they hear you starting in on them…take a step back, gather your thoughts and take a new approach!!
Just my two cents for this week!
I started my job as a young mother who needed money and health insurance for her and her little girl and then it happened, I became addicted to the idea of working and earning and loving the independence that it gave me. I loved my job and worked hard so I moved around a lot, established great relationships and continued to flourish with every new project. My goal was to keep doing what I was doing until I found something that just felt “right”! And I did for almost five years until my position was eliminated. but what did I accomplish, really? The years flew by and I started floating along….
My current Manager is always talking about goals, career growth and “no regrets” and for awhile when I would leave our discussions I would walk away asking myself, why it mattered whether I have a goal or not?? I would walk out of his office frustrated and upset because I was content with my current position and maybe I wasn’t ready for change right now!? All until now…now I am trying to decide whether to go back to school or get a second job! I feel like I am floating along with no direction and no purpose other than to be a parent and keep floating until the end! I know this cant be all that life has in store for me but I continue to ask the universe….What else is there for me??
I am a firm believer in fate and synchronicity and that everything happens for a reason so I just keep holding on until it just feels “right”! But as we all know…life is short! So now I think it is time for my quest to begin to find out my true destination in life! So let’s see how it all pans out!